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Friday, June 28, 2002
well friends, just wanted to warn you of the lackage of updates that will be coming for the next couple of days....seems im taking a wee trip up north to my cottage for good ol' canada day (something i wouldn't be able to do if i hadn't sold my edgefest tickets! WOOHOO!) my aunt is picking me up this afternoon and we're road trippin' it up to oliphant to meet my dad at the dock and sequester ourselves on an island for a couple of days. man i can't wait. cheers to you cuz.....i know you won't be able to go and i know you'll miss it. have no fear -- i'll enjoy it for the both of us! :)
Thursday, June 27, 2002
well, im testing out a new comments system. thanks to my friends at enatation.com, even an html dummy like myself can install a comments system into her blog. it would be fantastical if someone could please try it out and we'll see how it goes. im off to bed, folks!
Tuesday, June 25, 2002
in the clutches of midnight last night, i found myself in the back pocket of my eddie bauer bag. completely in tact, hiding between some cds that i keep back there, i found myself....mode of transportation and all. and you wouldn't believe how much easier i slept last night.
Monday, June 24, 2002
there's no such thing as hell, but you can make it if you try. and all you have to do to get there, is lose your student card. (i believe adrienne can attest to that!) friends, i take off for home tomorrow nite at 5 to scour my house and turn it upside down searching for my student card. then, its right back to guelph to resume life. if i can't find it, i'll cry. if i find it, i'll cry (tears of happiness). here's hopin' for that last one. currently listening to: edge 102 radio feed lost: one identity i can't find my student card. normally, this wouldn't be a big deal, but a) i think its in embro (and i'm not) and b) i don't want to pay 20 dollars for a new one and c) i don't want one of the new ones coz i think they're ugly. if you've seen me on a white laminated plastic card somewhere, i miss myself and would like me back, if you don't mind. plus, i don't want to walk everywhere. need the bus pass. NEED the bus pass.
Saturday, June 22, 2002
pardon my hasty exit last day, folks. but when the tissue culture room is free, you don't waste time!!! :) not much going on. hung out with karrie and babe the cat last night. watched a little fast and furious action -- good times always with mr. paul walker. *drool* wow. i was really gonna write about something, and now i got nothin'. strange how fleeting inspiration can be.
Wednesday, June 19, 2002
well, we just got a new computer at work. i always swore that i would never use an imac, just because they aren't universal and always seem way too expensive. and here i am. on an imac. not just any imac. the imac that has the adjustable head that's in the commercial where the guy makes faces at it (you know the one i'm talking about). i would honestly write more right now, but the tissue culture room just became free and i need to go split my cells.
Monday, June 17, 2002
currently listening to: ease my mind by big wreck i totally just realized that people who don't know me will think i'm a total nutcase because of that last post. folks, i sware, i'm normal. just some bad days, is all. :) saturday nite was good. some things were said that i guess i was maybe waiting to hear and some things were said that surprised my mom (ie: how much i hated public school) and it was good. a good night. ============ i love technology. as we all may or may not know, my discman gave up the ghost last week. that's right -- and it wasn't just dead batteries (as so many people ask me) so on saturday, i got a new one and MAN is it sweet! its got a mp3 decoder in it so you can play discs of just mp3s (ie: not converting them to audio files first) and its loaded with some anti-skip (120 sec mp3, 45 sec cd). a pretty sweet piece of technology, lemme tell ya. ;) i went to update my profile on makeoutclub on the weekend because i haven't done that for a LOOONG time, and it wasn't friggin there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and now i can't re-submit my profile until i edit my picture and i haven't been able to do that because my software hasn't been put on since i had this beast re-formatted in february. ARGH! not quite what i anticipated with just a routine edit-of-the-profile. oh well. looking forward to doogie's on wednesday -- me, adrienne, dax and alli. good times! i can't friggin wait!!!!!!!!! :))) haven't seen daximus for a LOONG time -- miss that boy! work in the lab is alright....getting better-ish. wish i wasn't quite as broke tho. DOH! well, im off to mellow out and watch some space ghost. nothin' better than some space ghost.
Saturday, June 15, 2002
currently listening to: konstantine by something corporate when i was a kid, i had completely opposite taste in music than what i have now. i used to listen to easy-rock. and i was a big fan of rita macneil. i don't tell you this to garner snickers of delight at learning that a mega-alterna-girl such as myself listened to rita macneil. i tell you this becuase its important (i think) to understanding what's about to unfold. my dad took me to a rita macneil concert in kitchener-waterloo (indirectly). he was late so i watched the first half with my sister, and then my dad came in and they kinda traded spots and dad watched the rest of the concert with me. i had been really upset when dad was late and it made the evening not what it was supposed to be. when he finally showed up, i was excited. it was good. it was how it was supposed to be. i was such a big fan of rita that i had written a note for her. my dad handed it to one of the ushers who promised they would try their hardest to make sure that she got it. that january, i received a christmas card from rita macneil and i was so excited i showed it to everyone. back then, it didn't matter if you were cool. i was little -- like, grade 4 maybe?? grade 5?? i don't know. public school years all got blurred together as "that awful time" in my memory banks. i started thinking tonite.....whatever happened to that kid? where did the kid who didn't care about what others thought? i had nothing. all i could think about was grade school. when i was small, stuff didn't matter. right around grade 5 or so, kids got really mean. or else, they were always really mean and i just never noticed it until grade 5. i had always felt like a bit of an outsider in my class because i had been advanced into that class after i finished grade 1. and for some reason, kids don't like that. go figure. i never really fit in. they didn't let me. i think maybe the problem was that i went in feeling different from then, and they picked up on it and for the rest of public school, never let me forget. public school was hell. there were two different groups of kids in my class: the mean kids: these are the ones are absolutely shameless. i don't think i've ever met meaner kids. so relentless in their teasing that i welcomed weekends because they became times where i wasn't subjected to sharing a room with them for eight hours a day. i hated public school. finally time came to attend high school, and i thought everything would be different, but i never really allowed myself to believe that. so things never felt different. we were mixed in with kids from woodstock. essentially, my first day of high school just felt like there were more kids to tease me. i had some friends. one that i had met that summer on a trip to chicago who became my best friend throughout high school. i still think of her and love her like she's my sister. the in-between kids and i (well, some of them anyways) became friends of mine. then there were some mean kids who were nice to me, acting like they had never teased me or anything. im not friends with those kids, and i still kinda resent them. thinking they could just start being nice to me, like the last 8 years of my life had never happened. most of the mean kids ended up going to different schools than mine (thankfully) so i haven't seen them since, with exception of a few. i don't know if they remember how they treated me, but i think they might. there's always this feeling of regret combined with parts of apology and shame. whenever i think back and remember my years at public school, i feel violated. its remembering the abuse of your self-worth, how you were stripped of your dignity, and then left to pick up the shattered pieces of your esteem and your fractured sense of being. i often put up a front. i'm a pretty strong person, emotionally, given that i've gone through a lot and i'm only 20. tonite is one of those nites where the front just crashes down all around me and i'm left feeling as vulnerable as a small child lost in a bustling crowd. i just keep thinking about public school, about the fact that today i haven't been able to say anything right, about the fact that it's father's day and how i'm constantly afraid that one day it'll be father's day, and i won't have a dad anymore to share it with. my head just spins out of control and i can't do anything to stop it. i know that most of this is because i'm fatigued. whenever i'm fatigued its like i read the pages of myself through a magnifying glass and everything just seems so big and unsurmountable. i apologize if this post has a big of a penchant for the dramatic, but this is just how it all feels. my mom came into the room a while ago and asked me what i was doing and i told her "nothing you need to know about." she took off up the stairs and i tried to explain that it's just something that i don't want to talk about and that i just needed to do, and she said "fine" and didn't look at me. i stood on the stairs, cursing my mouth for acting independently of my brain, and said "no, its not fine" and went back downstairs. i have no idea why i won't share this with her. part of the "front", i guess, if you can call it that anymore. i think its been reduced to more of a small pile than a front. there are times when i wonder why i feel so bad about myself all the time. i'm surrounded by a family that loves me and friends who i love dearly -- both groups i don't know what i would do without. yet there are days when i feel so alone and scared about everything. and there are days when i wish i didn't have anyone, because then i wouldn't have to worry about letting people down or being a disappointment. its just one of those days where i wish i could wake up tomorrow morning again and do it all over again, differently. and maybe the first thing i would do differently is feel better about myself than i do right now.
Thursday, June 13, 2002
alright folks. time for an in-depth moment. i am obssessed with music. (and no, smartasses, that is NOT the in-depth moment). i started thinking about this on the bus on my way home today. why am i so obssessed with music. well, this is what i've come up with. but first, a bit of observations. i always carry music with me. be it my walkman or portable cd player for use to/from work, my purse with its cd jackets in it at the back (how handy is that!) or a few cd's i keep in my bag for playing at work. its always with me. i've realized that it's because i use music to escape (i actually knew this...its just getting around to posting about it). if something crappy happens, i'll just throw on some music to mirror my mood, or something to change it. usually something to mimic. ie: when i'm feeling vengeful, some hoobastank is always good. i guess what sparked this whole introspection was me listening to "when it comes" by incubus. i was never really a big fan of that song. sure, it was on the "make yourself" album and i loved that album, but i had never really paid the song that much attention. it was good. just not my fave. flash forward to october 17, 2001. incubus concert at the international center in TO. they started to play that song. suddenly, the song came alive, embodying so much and just meant so much more now. i listened to that song on repeat for about two weeks after that concert. and i still enjoy the song. its just one of those songs that will always be able to spark something up in me and make me fall in love with it all over again. i was listening to that song again, and that always takes me back to october. the incredible feeling of discovering a new song that had always been there, but somehow, you continually neglected it until something happens that makes that song so much more than it ever could have been. such a great feeling. end in-depth moment. im making a cd that i think i'll call "on the road again" because its driving music. music that's great for cars. while driving. once i've perfected the track list, i'll post it up here. music has just always given me something to do. just when you thought it was safe to think, in comes mental piracy no, what i'm looking for cannot be sold to me i wish they all would stop crying coz what i want, and what i need, is and will always be free.... -- incubus "when it comes" (how much do i LOOOVE that song!) in conjunction with my cousin's lessons learned for the week, here's another one: when you overwork your abs at the gym, you pay. big time. my stomach's been SOOOO incredibly sore since last night because i used too much weights on it at the gym. you never realize how much you use some muscles for until they hurt. and then, even standing becomes a chore. sadness abounds my friends. not only is there that one finger eleven show on the 28th in sarnia that i can't go to, there's another one on the 29th that i'm unable to attend as well. technically i guess i COULD attend it, but that is the ONLY weekend that i would be able to get up to my cottage and well, i miss my cottage and love it up there. so sad. my boys play TWICE and i can't go. head on over to fingereleven.com and check out the finger vision. i did that last night and it was then and only then i realized just how much i miss them. sigh. oh well. do what you gotta do, i guess. back to work! (i was just on a muffin break because i SWARE my stomach was going to digest itself)
Wednesday, June 12, 2002
currently listening to: nothing. i know i haven't been much of a post-er lately, and i apologize, but frankly, there's not a lot to post about. oooh. wait. learning "mexico" by incubus makes fingers very sore. especially when said fingers have lost their calluses from guitar. such a burn. gotta toughen up. grit down those teeth and slide away! the research scene is getting better by far.....now i actually know what i'm doing and i've taken the time to make lists of stuff so i kind of understand where i'm going now and things are much much better. in fact, i'm reconsidering my previous statement of not doing research for a living. we'll have to think about that one. see how the rest of the summer and then fall/winter project goes. all in all, things feeling much better -- especially since i defrag'd the machine at home so now it's happy. i'm burning some stuff off now (have done about 3 discs) and will clear out some more space on the ol' HD. goldfinger time is coming up soon -- can't wait. but very sad about no finger eleven -- there's a show in sarnia on the 28th of june, but karrie nor i can attend. :( i miss my boys. to scott, james, rich, rick and sean: hope the recording is treating you well and your fans miss you. ps -- come play a show in guelph :) anyhoo -- back to work time for me kiddies!
Monday, June 10, 2002
currently listening to: the sounds of my fingers on the keyboard the edgefest offer is OFF the table. WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!! that's right....all three tickets have been sold (hallelujah!!!) AND the warped tour tickets have been purchased. YES! AND my aunt and i are going to see weezer on july 14! SCORE! exciting times, my friends. mucho exciting times. :)))) other than that, i got nothin' else. so i'm off.
Thursday, June 06, 2002
currently listening to: library sounds well, i think i may have to take the edgefest offer off the table. sorry folks, but i think i got a taker. now, rant time. what is it with everyone getting married? honestly! i don't understand. my former best friend called me up last night (we used to be best friends...now we don't see too much of each other but are still friends) and mentioned that she thinks she'll probably get engaged in the next six months or so. she's only a year older than i am. and then today the taker on my edgefest tickets mentioned that he wanted to take his girlfriend (hopefully soon to be fiance) and he's only two years older than me! and of course, we can't forget the cousin who's two years older than me who's getting married in august!!!!!!!!! am i the only person who's not dating anyone? am i the only person who has no prospect for marriage?? AGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! frustration abounds folks, she's aplenty today. i was bitching about this to the girls in the lab (god love them, they all feel my pain and feel the same way about it that i do) and it just blows my mind. anyways, on the side of non-frustration today, dad was discharged from wgh this morning. glad to hear that news. ============== "moltar, send out another tender celebrity for me to interview." "you ate moby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "no i didn't. *resounding belch*" "are you sure about that?" "moltar, i think i'd know if i ate a guest. now send 'em out. it'll be alright." ============== how much do i love that show. ============== "'sup y'all?" "y'all??? where did you learn to talk like that!!!" "hattiesberg." ".....and what were you doing in hattiesberg?" "........kickin' it." ============== (the aforementioned quotes are taken from space ghost coast to coast, episodes called "curses" and "knifin' around" respectively. i think knifin' around is the best piece of comic genius i've seen in a long time.) hats off to mike for indirectly introducing me to this sheer brilliance. thanks buddy!
Wednesday, June 05, 2002
edgefest anyone? well, things have been going alright, actually. work hasn't been as bad as i anticipated after nicole left. i've been doing fairly good. today i don't have much to do -- and am actually kind of bored! hehehehehe.....first time for everything, i know. another email from mom today -- dad went back into the hospital early this am with some chest pain. it went away but the er doc admitted him because he needs to get into london for an angiogram and there's like, a 2 week wait if you go in from hospital whereas from home there's a 6 month wait. yeah. i hope they'll let him out for the day on friday though -- i'm sure he'd like to see his oldest daughter graduate university! i guess this means it might be a tougher weekend than anticipated. got the grad ceremony on friday, then the reception for the graduates and their families, and then sunday we're having our relatives over to our house for a reception for the fam-damily and some friends to celebrate taryn's graduation. i had planned to hang out a bit with my incubus-gals karrie and beccah but that may not be in the cards. sorry girls! i'll try and we'll see....i'll work REALLY hard for mom on friday and saturday :) bah. time to go back to work. catch you all on the flipside.
Tuesday, June 04, 2002
yes, yes, i know, this is going to be a cheap ploy. if you or anyone you know is interested in attending edgefest 2002 (visit here or here for information on the lineup) and are looking for three tickets to the event, please drop me an email at flipher8@yahoo.com and let me know. my friends and i have three tickets to sell for $120 for the three together. that is a $36 savings from the price we paid (in other words, a pretty sweet deal!) edgefest is on july 1 2002 and is being held at molson park in barrie, ontario, canada.
Monday, June 03, 2002
currently listening to: something from "the audio of being" by matthew good. very good song. don't know what its called. track 4. only in dreams do i run into scott anderson (finger eleven) at edgefest. only in dreams am i calm, cool and collected to be clever about running into a rock star that i'm in love with and keep my wits about me. only in my dreams does scott agree to sit down and talk about music he likes with me. only in dreams do i get myself, karrie and beccah (my edgefest girls) invited backstage by him to discuss music. only in dreams do scott and i take a walk around backstage after he's played his set and right before i leave. only in my dreams does he ask for my number and voluntarily give me his. only in dreams do i have the courage to say "i have a secret to tell you before i go" and he leans in, but not close enough, and then i say "no, closer, come here" and he leans in farther. only in dreams when he's leaned in do i say "i'm going to kiss you". only in dreams does he pull back, look at me and say nothing -- he just leans forward and beats me to my own action. sigh. now why can't THAT be real.
Sunday, June 02, 2002
well, saturday turned out to be good fun, although overall i was left feeling a bit unfulfilled. saturday was great and hallowed incubus day (this time minus the incu-buses from october -- we had the incu-car instead). my two friends and i journeyed through the 403 (and played leapfrog with some guys in a silver dodge neon that had majorly tinted windows....they figured we couldn't see them due to the tint but we certainly took note when they passed us for the first time and the guy in the passenger seat had completely turned around to stare out the window into our car -- the next time they passed us they waved....very odd) and into downtown hamilton to visit with our boys. the show as a whole was not as good as the october 17 show at the international center in toronto. the floor at this one was completely packed (meaning the oversold general admission) and it was full of teeny bopper kids (mostly girls) who had come just to see brandon boyd in all his good looks. gag. my friend karrie had an altercation with one of the aformentioned lovesick losers and mentioned something like "maybe i'd let you go in front of me if you actually knew the words to at least one of the songs". i applauded. it was the greatest thing ever. its for reasons like that that i think karrie is one of the greatest people ever. the set list for the show wasn't quite what i thought it was. there was no 'clean' or 'when it comes' or 'nebula' -- this was upsetting. greatly upsetting. some of the songs that were played i really didn't think needed to be played....they weren't the best songs, and not the most well known songs either....really didn't see the need. would have rather heard the aforementioned. 'aqueous transmission' translated VERY well into the live setting -- surprised the hell outta me. never thought it would have. but it was a good way to end the show i think (it was their last encore). too many little kids. not enough space. too many screaming adolescent girls. i think we were the oldest people there. a good show (because incubus always puts on a good show), but somehow left me feeling incomplete. there was no psyched-ness after the show, no re-found love for the band.....slightly disappointing. i think that had most to do with the audience though. hopefully a better setting for their next show. *crosses her fingers* |
old canvas
my amazon wishlist reading: staring at the lights again adrienne: non-fiction puck you: nhl playoffs 2004 jaked on green beers decordas that kind of girl kates danielle thebrenda theniki mr good the clinic swimgal's splashes love me, hate me.... everything's coming up robin sneaky pete one big rant homestarrunner rathergood.com threebrain.com found magazine makeoutclub chart magazine pollstar breathing: sign my guestbook view my guestbook photo album university of guelph the shape of punk to come musing: coheed and cambria alkaline trio jimmy eat world mae my chemical romance alexisonfire strike anywhere at the drive-in thursday ben folds / five the juliana theory finch brand new yellowcard esthero finger eleven incubus system of a down goldfinger face to face sparta silverchair radiohead weezer the weakerthans k's choice vagrant records drive-thru records victory records
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