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Friday, March 29, 2002
not feeling well. woke up this morning with the raw scratchings of getting a cold. and you know what? it wasn't the fact that i was getting sick that pissed me off. it was the possibility that i might not be able to sing when i jam with luke next week. ok, so the fact that i was getting sick DID piss me off a bit. but mostly, it was that i wouldn't be able to sing. that, and i was SOOOOOO looking forward to just driving to london by myself this weekend. and now i can't. dad's car has a broken coolant cap and needs coolant, so dad has to take it in and he's not going to do that til monday. i have to go to london tomorrow and get guitar strings because my g-string broke and i need to ask them a question about cleaning my fretboard, etc....and the best part of that was going to be me. in a car. with loud at the drive-in. or my vagrant cd. by myself. and now, that is not a possibility anymore. and it totally pisses me off. if i had known that i would be coming home from school to get sick and be pissed off for the weekend, i wouldn't have come home. which sounds like an awful thing to say. but you know what? i didn't come home to get sick and be pissed off. i came home for easter and to drive by myself. these types of things just make me want to scream to the rafters about how life is wickedly unfair. and then, i realize just how lucky i am in every other way.
Thursday, March 28, 2002
well. if all the crappy stuff doesn't happen to me when i'm on call, then i have NO other explanation. last night, i was on call. first of all, i TOTALLY forgot about that until around 9:30 (on call starts at 8). so i headed over to the desk (well, RAN actually) and picked up the pager and log book. at 10 pm ish, people from my section started calling to tell me that someone had paper macheed their door. i was like "come again?" yeah. paper mache. on expensive steel doors. wasn't that fun. spent two hours of my life dealing with that, waiting for cops, talking to people, freezing my ASS off outside in the cold (which remarkably, didn't work very well coz its still kinda big) from 10 til around midnite-ish. then finally some sleep around 1am or so when i finally finished my paperwork. what happens then, but something that NEVER happens. the pager went off at 4:15 in the am with a noise complaint. needless to say, i'm pretty friggin tired and still having a MAJOR jonesing for my guitar (and its broken g-string). not to mention some good company. not that i don't love my parents. but i love them more when i have a chance to miss them. its just odd to be taken from an environment where you're completely independent with your own life and your own way of doing things to be thrust back into an environment where you (theoretically) have someone to answer to. someone that has to give approval for you to take the car to go out because its not your car and embro (shock of all shocks) doesn't have a bus service. and since your town is SOOOO small, there's really no one to hang out with, until your sister comes home (which is tomorrow, btw) but even then we get on each others nerves (i admit, i'm as bad as she is, if not, probably worse) and then you have the relatives to worry about AND doing your study notes for finals (which is not an easy task to accomplish in a house that has a satellite dish). plus i haven't seen dayna for a couple days and i REALLY wanna hang out with her and chat with her about last night....but sadly, can't. once again. when its virtually impossible for you to do something, that's when you ultimately want to do it. i hate this feeling.
Wednesday, March 27, 2002
talk about a musical high. this is the first time i've actually heard the WHOLE song of "slow chemical" by finger eleven. one of the best bands on earth. holy hell....this song just washes over me and so far, i've forgotten anything that actually matters.....and its just all about this song. this is why i love music. have you ever noticed that when you can't have something you REALLY REALLY want it?? i would give my two legs to play guitar right now. and i can't, coz my goddamn g-string is broken (and i'm not talking about underwear folks...think we could keep it out of the gutter for JUST a second please?) and i've made the decision to buy all new strings (seeing as how i've only changed the g-string and i've had the guitar for about four and a half years now). i'm also gonna clean my fretboard (which is good, considering it SHOULD be done yearly and this is the first time i'll have ever cleaned it -- i'm a little behind the times). this creates a problem though. i remember trying to put the g string on and i remember JUST how successful (or not so successful) i was in getting it on....(wow, this DOES sound really dirty)...it was a bitch. so it should be interesting trying to do with not one, but six strings. all i wanna do is play....its like having a REALLY bad itch and not being able to scratch it. i don't know if i can make it through....i only have to go about 3-4 days (easter, at home) but thats a LOONG time considering i've been playing every day for a few weeks now.... its like being an addict. unfortunately, all i've got right now is a placebo....
Tuesday, March 26, 2002
long day. well, not actually. considering that i slept through my class and the first 15 mins of my lab, it wasn't that long. spent the day trying to learn some pearl jam on guitar. worked out well. some pearl jam is not so much singable. i think its because eddie's voice is SOOOO distinctive and SOOO powerful -- my voice just doesn't cut it when it comes to that. but i try anyways. then i decided to play some third eye blind and my friggin g string broke when i was tuning it to the "god of wine" tuning. lemme tell ya. did NOT like that so much. and everyone seems to think its VERY amusing when you say "my g-string broke!" had a slideshow committee mtg with dustin, jen and adrienne tonite. fun times! sorting through pictures, talking about music and laffing....then we looked at all the elijah wood pictures that adrienne has on her computer and laffed at some of the names. her and her friend picked some pretty crazy picture names, lemme tell ya. anyhoo....late-ness abounds. i HAVE to make it to my 8:30 tomorrow. there's NO way i can't. i MUST be there. however, i fear for the worst..... currently listening to: the cd chock-full of emo goodness, "another year on the streets vol 2" put out by vagrant records -- song is central standard time by the get up kids well, now its not just my ass that is white. yes folks, its friggin snowing outside. not just snowing. SNOWING. like, flakes the sidze of golf balls -- its like a severe dandruff storm out there people.....its march. its spring. and we're getting more snow than we did in the winter. as christina said, "its the perfect winter day" (because it's not too cold, not too windy, but snowy). my reply??? "yeah....except its SPRING." did i miss something here? my alarm clock can kiss my lily-white ass. i theoretically had an 8:30 class this morning. set the alarm for it. every intention of getting up for it. and now, its 10 am and i just woke up. GODDAMN FRIGGING #(*$^%(#@&@^&#&^$*&@^&#$^%$%^@# ALARM CLOCK! this REALLY pisses me off.
Monday, March 25, 2002
i had the MOST amazing time last night. we ran a program that was an open mike type thing. not very well attended (there was me, another ex-RA who is blindingly good on the guitar, and some guy from mills -- but he was awesome and he came all the way from friggin mills! very awesome) but it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good. everyone left around 10:30ish and then luke and i just sat around and jammed til like 12:30am.....fucking brillint. he is the best guitar player ever and i am STILL in awe about the whole evening....it was a lot of fun. and now im really tired and have to go to my stupid stats class. grrr. i hate stats.
Friday, March 22, 2002
oh my goodness. went to hmv tonite. planned on getting one or two cds that were on sale (both barenaked ladies) for me, and one for my dad (best of muddy waters) and one for my mom (best of the platters). i had those four, and suddenly, a glare caught my eye and i headed over to check it out. lo and behold -- the apex of all emo mixed albums: another year in the streets: volume 2 from vagrant records. for ELEVEN DOLLARS. this was quite shocking. usually, any type of punk/emo cd at hmv costs at LEAST 20 bucks. and that's if its cheap. typically, you're looking at shelling out around 26 bucks per. (not fair, i know. but damn the capitalist man). which is why i HAD to buy it. SOOO incredible. *contented sigh* vagrant, you are the one for me.
Thursday, March 21, 2002
for some reason, i'm feeling particularly vengeful: remember me? by hoobastank i stand here face to face with someone that i used to know he used to look at me and laugh but now he claims that he's known me for so very long but i remember being no one... i wanted to be just like you -- so perfect, so untouchable. now you want me to be with you, someone who used to have it all do you remember now? you acted like you never noticed me. forget it. 'cause the gone has come around and you're not allowed to be a part of me. did you know me? or were you too preoccupied with playing king in your small kingdom and now the real world has stripped you of your royalty and from your kingdom, you're evicted i wanted to be just like you -- so perfect, so untouchable. now you want me to be with you, someone who used to have it all do you remember now? you acted like you never noticed me. forget it. 'cause the gone has come around and you're not allowed to be a part of me. and yes, there's another little bit from a different song, same band from running away: "i don't want you to give it all up and leave your own life collecting dust and i don't want you to feel sorry for me you never gave us a chance to be and i don't need you to be by my side, to tell me that everything's alright i just wanted you to tell me the truth you know i'd do that for you.... there. i feel better. currently listening to: half a world away by esthero damn i love esthero. so i REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to study. i have a lab final tomorrow -- 15% of my final mark. and i can't bring myself to care enough about it to hunker down and do the work. so instead, i've spent the day playing guitar, watching sex and the city and the simpsons and south park, some girl interrupted, and friends.......i almost feel like cleaning my room. that's when you KNOW its bad.
Wednesday, March 20, 2002
my new take on things: we did this thing tonite with the people i'm on staff with called true colours. you look at a variety of pictures and words and stuff -- certain things are classified under orange, blue, green and gold. you go through this whole scoring thing and then then you add them up and the one that has the highest score is the one that you're most like. first, it is important to re-read this post. go. read it. ok. so this true colours thing, most people have one majority -- so one colour stands out because it has a really really high score (for example, dayna had a score of 27 (out of a possible 28) for gold). sometimes there's one colour with a really close second. i consider these people to be very well defined -- because they are. i mean, if you can honestly score 27 out of 28 for one thing, thats fairly defining. back to the best friend thing -- i don't have one. it just seems like there's no one person that i can fit with exactly and its something that bothers me. well, my true colours stuff was a three way tie. not two. three. i had blue, green, and orange -- all with a score of 19. HUUUGE relief. THAT'S why i have no perfect fit with people. the person leading true colours was honestly surprised that i had a three way tie and told me to pick one that was most like me. i couldn't. there were certain aspects of ALL three colours that were me. so it really hits the nail on the head. i don't know if this is an ACTUAL explanation for the "alone-ness" that i feel sometime, but you know what?? i can't TOTALLY identify with someone. i can identify with pieces of people. but not a whole person. so that's the explanation i'm going with. feeling much better. and goddamn i love jimmy eat world. taken from campusrag.com. absolutely unbelievable. make sure you read the bolded parts: "Some of you may have heard about the Limp Bizkit guitarist search. Basically, the band has been "touring" the country visiting Guitar Center stores, holding auditions for a new guitarist to replace the one who left the band. The deal is this. From 7:00 to 11:00 AM you can sign up for a slot to try out that day. The tryouts are from 10:00 AM to 5:00 PM. During this time, they take you into a room to play your stuff. At the end of that time, you leave. They call three to ten people at 5:30 to come back to the place and play in front of Limp Bizkit. Out of those people, one is selected to return at 9:00 to jam with the band, and anyone who participated is invited to watch -- a free concert, basically. So I arrive there, with a copy of our band's full CD in hand. I'm with a friend who wants to try out, so I go ahead and sign up too. We get there at 5:00 AM and we're 83rd and 84th in line. Not incredibly bad. Free Krispy Kreme donuts and coffee, so all isn't too bad. 10:00 rolls around. The line is moving slow, but that's to be expected. We finally get up around the corner of the building to the front of the line at about noon. Current total time there: 7 hours. Get to the table, and I notice there's a waiver you have to sign. No problem, standard stuff. Then I notice it's a three page contract. This contract basically said that if you play, you must sign the contract. Okay. No big deal here either. So I keep reading it. An interesting note. Anything you play can NOT be copyright, and can be used by Limp Bizkit in audio, video, or recorded form of any sort. Other big words which basically translated to the fact that if you play something, they are fully authorized to steal it and use it on a CD. The artist agrees to zero compensation and zero rights over the track, and will get their name in the liner notes "if possible." This didn't sit well, as me and the guy I was with were planning on playing something we wrote with Starfront. So we sign it and decide to make something up. An annoyance at the very least, but we'd waited seven hours to get this far. Then we got to stand in the parking lot for another two hours. We finally get inside at about 2:30, where it's another 30 minute wait for your turn. Current total time there: 10 hours. So then we get the "rules". They are outlined for us straight out. No guitar solos. No playing cover songs. No playing copyrighted material. No playing Limp Bizkit songs. This effectively means that you're forced to play something that you made up, but don't have a copyright for. You may see where this is going. Entering the room, there's one guy. He's got a mute button under his foot. His job is to make sure you follow the rules. If you break any, you get muted and kicked out immediately. So I go in, and there's one amp for me to plug into, and the settings are turned to "mud". It sounded awful, and was not pleasing to the ears. And it was loud enough that the awfulness didn't go away for some time. Then comes another fun part. "You have 60 seconds to play. Starting now." One fucking minute?! I mean, fucking... okay. So since the thing I'd been planning was two minutes and thirty seconds, I cut most of the parts out. Kept it under time (about 57 seconds), but it still sounded worse than a handful of ass due to that beautiful amplifier (hmm). And I leave the room and the line proceeds. We're told that the winners will be announced at 5:30. And that we are to remain in the front parking lot until that time. No leaving. Period. This makes for unhappy people. We're talking 200+ people here, plus any wives / girlfriends / husbands / boyfriends / family / friends which accompanied them. But what can you do? We stay until 5:30. Total current time there: 12 hours, 30 minutes. 5:30 rolls around. People are getting ansi. The band management promised "free pizza". It came, and there were two boxes of pizza. Two large pizzas. For about two hundred people at least. No cool points here either. Anyway, the clock keeps ticking, and it's 6:00 before we notice anything going on. Guitar Center management flags all their people and security to come inside to discuss something. They go in there, and the guy in charge walks out with a megaphone. After getting everyone's attention, the guy on the megaphone speaks: "This competition has been called off effective immediately and will not be rescheduled. The band will not be performing with nor for anyone. They will not be signing autographs. This is beyond our control, but please exit the area immediately." The guy then proceeds to enter back inside the huge glass doors, and two armed officers stand behind the door. They lock the building as the massive amount of people head directly towards them. After reaching the building, people start going apeshit. Cops are called in basically a way to clear the crowd. After about an hour, most have gone home or been "taken" home by the police. The radio station is completely screwed, having brought their entire broadcast booths out to cover it. Everyone is very, very pissed. Me and the other guy stayed awhile to figure out what was going on. It's now about 7:30 PM. FM99 is having a field day with it. They're referring to this as "Fuck Fred Durst Friday", taking calls in from people who went. But unless you've read this carefully, I don't think you understand what happened. Limp Bizkit now has over 200 guitar parts, written by various artists around here, which are unowned and not copyrighted. Limp Bizkit now owns these riffs. Limp Bizkit just stole 200 pieces of material right out from under these guitarists' noses, myself included. If I'd played something off our CD, I would be ABSOLUTELY pissed. I *am* absolutely pissed. They have completely ripped off hundreds of people, and they're getting away with it because they can. They're on their way to Georgia, and the radio station here has given out request line numbers for the stations down there for us to call and let them know what's happening over the course of this event, to warn them. But people aren't going to buy it. They're going to go and get their shit stolen too. Someone needs to beat the living hell out of him. He's an asshole, and someone who doesn't deserve to be breathing the same air as a fucking cockroach. To add insult to injury, Guitar Center ran a contest where the winner would get to watch the band play even if they didn't play guitar. One person and a friend. That person also won an autographed Gibson Les Paul Studio ($1500+ guitar) by the band. She showed up after a near 200 mile drive to the area. Guitar Center told her that the band refused to acknowledge the contest at this point, and so not only did she drive three and a half hours for no performance (which she took her ten year old kid to see as his first concert), but apparently the guitar wasn't given either. All because the band wanted to be one giant collective asshole. If any of you know anyone who's considering going to these tryouts, show them this message. If they have any questions they can contact me directly. I'm doing everything I possibly can to make sure this does NOT happen to anyone else. It's not my stuff I'm concerned about -- our CD is copyrighted completely and legally -- but I'm guessing 90% of the local bands who passed Durst a copy of their CD are going to be fucked. Many bands, especially newer local ones, don't have the money or know-how to copyright their stuff, and by giving it to them tonight, they just basically tossed them a new Limp Bizkit CD if Fred wants to do that. I wouldn't be surprised if he copyrights their shit tomorrow. It hurts to look around and see hundreds of people get excited at the chance to be able to make something of their guitar work; to have a shot at being in a popular band, making a living doing what they dream of. Fred Durst and Limp Bizkit are taking that dream and fucking it over. And anyone who wasn't there who just caught the coverage at noon and 5:00 on the news just think everything is perfect. Happy Fred Durst in front of the cameras behind the place, fenced off, saying how good the turnout is and how happy everyone seems, and talking about all the great shit he's hearing. That man is the true meaning of a music label representative. He's the perfect salesman and nice guy in front of the media, and turns around and screws everyone involved in the ass without having to take any hit in his overall popularity, and possibly gaining a shit ton of new music in the process that he's ripped from people. Not many things piss me off, but I'm pissed off. I'm not the only one. All sorts of "this band is playing tonight at this place, and they'd like me to announce to Fred Durst that if you're still in the area and you come to this venue, you will be able to see what a REAL band is like -- right before the real band beats your skull in." This radio station is sick of the shit from this band, and so are its listeners. If this keeps happening, I wouldn't be surprised if some shit goes down somewhere really damn soon. If it does, I'll let you know." wow. is all i have to say. currently listening to: remnants of the martina sorbara concert from last night. sigh. every once in a while, an artist comes along that just knocks you off your feet. martina sorbara is that artist. saw her again last night -- just as incredible as ever, if even more so, because it was just her -- no drummer this time. still has that one song that makes me want to cry whenever i hear it.....hope its on the new release. don't feel like posting right now. maybe more later.
Tuesday, March 19, 2002
strangeness abounds, my friends. for TWO days, my stomach has been COMPLETELY emptied less than two hours after a meal that left me so full i was sure i could never eat again. it just feels barren, and like it needs food....and it doesn't! take for example, yesterday: i had a HUUUGE lunch composed of leftover chinese food and yogurt and less than two hours later, it was like i hadn't eaten all day! i just don't get it! and then, today: ate an ENTIRE box of KD by myself, then pudding and an apple. not even two hours later, hungry. just goes to show that there are still mysteries that the universe has not unravelled. i feel like i'm wasting away.....(im totally not....anybody who knows me knows that i have some reserves...lol) just wish my tummy wasn't so rumbly.... grr. fairly good day to begin with. got two extra marks on my stats midterm (go me!) and ended up with an 85%....even more go me! this evening i received some rather unsettling news that has kind of pissed me off. i've become quite angry and its fairly well deserved, i believe....its just very frustrating when you feel so strongly about something and nothing good comes out of it and you feel like nobody cares. its akin to the head vs. brick wall philosophy i previously had, but its not quite the same because it encompasses a TOTALLY different subject area -- the two are not even REMOTELY related. anyways, now im just making myself angrier so perhaps i will go and being banging other things against the brick wall because my head is getting too beat up. :\
Monday, March 18, 2002
wish i could write more right now -- gotta run and catch a bus. all i have to say is DAMN those days where you feel like everyone's watching you! damn them all to hades!
Wednesday, March 13, 2002
well, if this hasn't been the shittiest day in all of my existance. first of all, the stat ass that i thought kicked at the midterm on monday night, turned out to only be a 73. which is still good. it's above the class average. but when you're expecting an 83, a 73 sucks ass. then, i went to my human genetics class and got my prof to sign me into the research project class. this is where you find a prof and they supervise your fourth year research project. i've had my prof since november. well, she writes down my info for the class and asks if i have a 70% average. here's the kicker: it's at 69.9 right now. so i told her the truth and said "well, its at 69.9 right now, but i've been doing really well this semester." and then, she goes "well, you may be forced to withdraw from the class. does your supervisor know about your average?" i just about fuckin' fell down. i felt like crying for the whole class and im still in a really pissed off mood now. now, in about half an hour i have to go and give a tour of my campus to prospective students and be all happy and friendly and all i wanna do is hang myself. im just SOOOO goddamn pissed off right now. i made some dumb mistakes on my stats midterm, and i could kick myself in the ass for screwing myself over and doing dick all in my first couple of years. this is all my fault and im just SOOOOOOOOO incredibly mad at myself and its like i've lost all control over everything that i want to do. what happens if because of my shittyass average, dr. bendall says "no, you can't work in my lab over the summer"....well THEN what the fuck do i do??? i've almost got a house, i gave up my old job at home, so its like i'm unemployed. NOT an option i want. so now i have to email dr. bendall and just make sure he's aware of my average....dr. rye (human genetics prof) asked if dr. bendall was aware of my shitty average (well, she didn't say shitty average...you get the picture)....and i said yes...but now i'm just going to email him and say "well, if you remember on my transcript, this was my avg, and when i got dr. rye to sign it today she told me i might have to withdraw and i just wanted to make sure you were aware.... i don't fuckin' know....im just so goddamn pissed right now i wanna upset a table and kick things and do bad stuff. my heart fell when she said that...and now, i don't know what the hell i'm gonna do.
Tuesday, March 12, 2002
so. haven't heard from me in a while, eh? well, really, it's only been two days. im in an odd mood. a funk, really. to accompany the post my cousin sent me this song that really goes quite nicely. i feel that it sums up what he's expressing that he misses -- so here it is: comfortable by john mayer i just remembered that time at the market (you) snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart and rode down aisle 5 you looked behind you, smiled back at me crashed into a rack full of magazines they asked us if we could leave i can't remember what went wrong last september though i'm sure you'd remind me if you had to.... our love was comfortable and so broken in i sleep with this new girl i'm still getting used to my friends all approve, say she's gonna be good for you they throw me high fives she says the bible is all that she reads and prefers that i not use profanity your mouth was so dirty life of a party, and she swears that she's artsy but you could distinguish miles from coltrane... our love was comfortable and so broken in she's perfect, so flawless or so they say.... she thinks i can't see the smile that she's faking and poses for pictures that aren't being taken i loved you - gray sweatpants no makeup, so perfect our love was comfortable and so broken in she's perfect, so flawless i'm not impressed i want you back....
Sunday, March 10, 2002
today's reason to party: the first confirmed octuplets are born in mexico, 1967. this blog is SOOO good. i have copied this text from the blog available under the "loman" link at fractalcow.com. this just says so much -- and its exactly what i feel i have bolded select lines that truly echo my sentiments and others that i think are just SO beautifully written. it becomes apparent that this was written by a man -- but substitute "him" for "her", etc...so -- without any further ado: 09 Mar 2002 12:56 pm i want love. i want it so bad that the lack of it fills my mind so much that it's the only thing i see when i fall asleep. so much that music filters through ears that haven't heard whispers in so long the songs achieve meanings the singer never imagined. i want someone to see things in me that my clouded eyes can't even discern. a voice at the end of the line. at the end of the night. it's the same old song and dance. the one i've been singing and dancing since i was old enough to realize that life is too big to not be spent with another person. so many stories and no one to share them with. so many insights that go unheard. so much banter wasted without someone to bounce it off of. i want to know what it's like to get used to someone. to be with her so long that life before her becomes a faded memory. someone that still remains once the bloom has left the rose. someone i can love, who'll let me. everything else ... everything else doesn't matter. europe. traveling. digging roots. building a life. what use life unshared? it may sound needy, or pathetic, but what's the point of building a life you can't share with someone? people have no senses of self. we can't look at ourselves, we can't hear ourselves, we can't see ourselves. we are no more and no less than what we see reflected back in the eyes of those we love. and even then, the reflection is fragmented. one person reflects this much of ourselves. that person that much. and we try to piece together a complete image from the fragments. but there can be someone that reflects back unto us ourselves as a whole. that sees us at every angle, in every light. someone that sees us in our entirety and reflects that back upon us in their eyes. if only we could find them. ironically, the harder we look, the harder they hide. like the last wispy shadows of a dream. the more we try to remember, the more we forget. they say love comes when you least expect it. when you're not looking. yet its absence is such a powerful presence -- like a silence that gets louder the more you are aware of it -- that it's almost impossible not to look for it. not to hope for it. not to want it. and i want it.
Saturday, March 09, 2002
wow. sorry folks. been wicked busy. got an UGLY stats midterm on monday. SO not looking forward to that....but we'll see. the practice midterm im doing right now is going alright (*knocks on wood*) but we'll see. crazy fuckin' weather. it is beastly snowy for like, three days, and then friday, it was around 15 degrees!! a bit of rain, not too much. today was about 13 degrees or so, with some rain starting late afternoon, and NOW ITS FRIGGIN SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ever wish mother nature could just make up her mind? which bring us to today's reason to party: the department of agriculture declares ketchup a vegetable (1981). what a great reason. :)
Monday, March 04, 2002
whoops. been forgetting the reasons to party. today's reason to party: toothbrush bristles are changed from badger hair to nylon (1938). uh, i guess i'll party to that.(?) soundtrack for a disjointed reality: "lonely hearts" by the new amsterdams "elegy for elsabet" by the weakerthans "mary" by fisher "dearest helpless" by silverchair "ever she flows" by treble charger "knives out" by radiohead "papercut" by linkin park "dear diary" by travis "just a phase" by incubus "change of season" by matthew good band "fred jones part 2" by ben folds "selfless, cold and composed" by ben folds five "once i was mighty" by martina sorbara "trouble" by coldplay "perfect blue buildings" by counting crows "anywayz" by esthero "quarantined" by at the drive in "do you feel the same" by silverchair currently listening to: mary by fisher oh yeah. did i forget to mention that im having one of those days where it feels like everyone is staring at me??? yeah. its like my third eye is showing or something....geez. currently listening to: i won't run away by the new amsterdams meh. feelings of meh abound today. you know it'll be a GREAT week when you start off monday morning by getting jam on the sleeve of your sweatshirt. i started thinking today about this guy that i indirectly know.....he's SOOOO strange and what i would consider to be overall icky. but somehow, he's managed to find this girl who is EXACTLY like him...and they're dating. which got me to thinking about how many people out there may be EXACTLY like me. the number i came up with was zero. i know, uniqueness, individuality, blah blah blah.....but then i got to thinking about best friends and i readlized that i don't think i really have a best friend. i had one in high school, who (long story short) ditched me for a man for a short while, and we stopped talking, so i started becoming good friends with someone else, who eventually became my best friend. this second girl is no longer my best friend anymore. long story short, she found a man and suddenly, i was not needed anymore. we fought over this for a long time, and i'm still mad at her....i can't get over that anger that i feel whenever i think about it, which is fair and just, in my opinion, because i don't care who you are, you NEVER ditch a girlfriend for a guy. that is NOT cool. so i started becoming friends again with the first girl. best friends? i don't know. i thought so for a while, but then i realized that we're in totally different places....and while we can fall into our old rhythm whenever we see each other, whenever i talk to her on the phone, its like she's not very responsive and i can't think of anything to tell her....we're just in SUCH different places right now (im in university, she works at walmart) its like we can't be best friends because we have nothing in common anymore. and its really kind of aggrevating. everyone i know has a best friend. dayna has orley, ashley has andrea, karrie has trish, ashley, jen and beccah, alli has banjo....the list goes on. today is just one of those days that i feel so isolated and out of touch with SO many people. its like i'm set far back from the scene, just watching everyone else instead of having actions of my own. and i can't figure it out. maybe i just need to step back from the scene and watch myself instead of others....all i know is i'd give all the vital organs in my body to feel like a normal person today.
Saturday, March 02, 2002
currently listening to: good souls by starsailor im just so.....off tonite. im not quite sure whats up....this afternoon i got so hungry that my hands and arms were shaking (ie i couldn't hold them still) so i went downstairs (around 4ish) and made some pasta and bruschetta -- holy fuck did i eat a lot. i had FIVE pieces of bruschetta, a big plate of pasta, and two butter tarts....and i SWARE the food went straight through me!!!! like half an hour after i finished eating, i was hungry again.....wtf!!!! and im still hungry.....i don't understand!!! its just so....twilight zone. which is why i feel off. im just out of sorts....strange. and music isn't even grounding me....im still just WHOO far off....i don't get it. |
old canvas
my amazon wishlist reading: staring at the lights again adrienne: non-fiction puck you: nhl playoffs 2004 jaked on green beers decordas that kind of girl kates danielle thebrenda theniki mr good the clinic swimgal's splashes love me, hate me.... everything's coming up robin sneaky pete one big rant homestarrunner rathergood.com threebrain.com found magazine makeoutclub chart magazine pollstar breathing: sign my guestbook view my guestbook photo album university of guelph the shape of punk to come musing: coheed and cambria alkaline trio jimmy eat world mae my chemical romance alexisonfire strike anywhere at the drive-in thursday ben folds / five the juliana theory finch brand new yellowcard esthero finger eleven incubus system of a down goldfinger face to face sparta silverchair radiohead weezer the weakerthans k's choice vagrant records drive-thru records victory records
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